Congratulations Evelien!

I am a self proclaimed Sex And The City FAN with a capital everything and proud of it. I once opted out of Christmas just to plug in to my box-set in heavenly peace. What a blissful day that was. I danced around the flat in my pjs every time the intro played. I cried tears of joy and laughed my little socks off all day. My only concern was that the tv might overheat or blow up. I adore Carrie. I defy anyone not to. She’s bright, funny, questioning, quirky and has THE most amazing wardrobe… and Mr Big, of course.  I can feel myself disintegrating into a stream of capitals and exclamation marks here!! This is the effect SATC has on me and its positive let me tell you. Its such a beautifully written series of observations on life and such a refreshing change/distraction from our depressing actuality and the overwhelmingly clinical/psychological TV drama that I need a pen and paper to follow nowadays. I LOVE it!!!!!

Not so fond of the SATC films mind you. But this clip, from SATC number 2, makes up for any (minor) plot disappointments. A group of female friends singing this fantastic, feminist anthem in seductive feline harmony. Its beguilingly beautiful and so uplifting.
This is my anthem and today I want to dedicate it to a real woman who encapsulates the best qualities of all four of these fictional characters. Evelien, my sweet, strong, funny, loving, dynamic and brave friend. I’m so sorry I can’t join you to celebrate your marriage this weekend. But I want you to listen to this song and feel the power of your own invincibility. I look forward to hearing you ROAR !!!!

Narcissus

Bloodsucker.
Inhaling the energy from my core,
Diverting my focus to your war,
Against honesty and care.
Fuck your rancid morals.
Lie alone in your self-serving lair.
But you won’t, will you….
Unmasked, but not startled,
Prince charming will simply resurrect,
Cast his ravenous eye to the next page,
Waltz his chosen victim into the golden cage,
Liposuction her very persona,
Entrap her with mirrored desires.
Its bile.
Parasite.
Ive wasted years feeding your empty soul,
Thinking my care could somehow lift you from the cold,
Believing your momentary lapses of verity,
Belied a tortured faith in sincerity,
Where there is none.
Nada, nothing, rien.

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” George Bernard Shaw

What is it that makes you cling on, when every hair on the back of your neck is standing up screaming at you to RUN? Or is it, rather, that you just cannot, ever, walk away without:
a) knowing everything that there is to know about why you’re ‘losing’ and;
b) some community / public recognition of your ‘wronged’ status, following you as you exit left ?
Focussing squarely on emotional attachment as experienced and expressed by those of us outside of any spectrum of clinical behavioural disorder (so minus the narcissists and socio/psychopaths, whose ‘attachments’ are wholly perverse and without emotion):
There are those, so confidant and certain of themselves, with whom no-one ever gets beyond that first strike. These are the tigers amongst us. Fiercely proud and rarely hesitant enough to concern themselves with how their relationships and break-ups might impact their ‘image’ or ‘reputation’
There are also those, generous of spirit, amongst us, who show varying levels of empathy in giving everyone a second, third and sometimes fourth chance. Always looking for the good. Coaxing it out if necessary, with every ounce of bounty in their bones.
Then there are the doormats, who will put up with any level of shit. Supremely low levels of confidence and feelings of inadequacy, borne from years of social and or emotional exclusion, are often behind this disjointed appreciation of any attention they are shown.
Somewhere between the doormat and the empath, lies a mutant tiger (all too frequently tigress). Perfect prey for the hunter. She knows her days are numbered. She knows the hunt is on. But she spends her last days trying to outwit the hunter, unravel the plot to trap her and expose the injustice of it all, when she could escape with her life if she ran.
Today’s blog  is my plea to all bright but battered mutant tigers out there. For gods sake, give up! Stop analysing and then analysing again. There’s only pain, no gain, in knowing every detail. Take care of yourself before you no longer know what you care about and drop the need to be ‘right’.
Something a private detective, I once tried to hire, said to me after taking careful note of my story, stuck with me:
“Can I just ask you”, she said. “So if I can get this ‘proof’ of what you already know to be true, what are you going to do with it? Will it change anything?”
That was the day I became a cat.

 

Disjointed Love

We’re on a roll
We’re on a high
Re-laying the foundations of this fragile unity
Lie upon sunshine fuelled lie.
Delicious fried niblets
Rosé on tap
En-sconsed in the moment
Content in the trap.
We lie aside each other, blissful
Amid the lamentable crowd
Of pimps and their charges
Barely disguised and proud.
The door is not open
Its not even ajar
But the mesmerising, twinkly ocean
Shifts all doubt to obscurity afar
And the rosé turns to red
As the conscious goes to bed
But the subconscious is still breathing
Listless resentment heaving.
With the inevitably devine sunset
Comes the onset of a crude awakening
Of desperately desired oneness
My heart is truly aching.
I am in a relationship with only me
My psychobabble support
Is just fabricating a fake he
Stop the clocks.
Disjointed
Forty-Eight months of talking in tongues
Time to shed the snake-skin of tolerance
And run

Authenticity

The world is askew, said he
Tis you that ain’t true, said me
Let me wallow, he berated
In the lies I have created
Follow blindly behind me
Allow me to deceive you kindly
Gently caress your needy soul
Destroy you from the inside
Charm you into the black hole
Le vide
One plus one equals three, said he
I’m so sorry, I can’t see, said me
Boring correctness, he debated
Unlike the jazzy truth I have created
Skip blindly aside me
Permit me to guide you to the edge
Air-kiss your ailing soul
Beguile you on the outside
Push you into the black hole
Le vide…….in which we hid a while
Serendipity nudged me awake
Not the night terrors
Not the heart tremors
Not the crushing deception
Not the all consuming grief
Walk with me, said I
For I shall empower you with my faith
Reveal the ecstasy of authenticity
Of autonomy
Extract you from the black hole
La joie
The world is as new, said he
Tis you who’s chiming true, said me
Let me wallow, he meditated
In the truth we have located
Authenticity

18 Summers

18 years since I glimpsed you for the first time
18 years since you made me a mum
18 years of grappling with my own mortality
18 summers since I’ve loved you until I’m numb
I weep as I write this to you
Remembering the tension of that day
Hearing the doctor muttering about oxygen
Before they whisked you away
I’d no clue what was normal
Reality, momentarily on pause
I just absorbed the oddness
And lay there in my silent bubble of noise
You were returned to me, eventually
And I recall wondering, how I should know you were mine
Our eyes met and I loved you
So began the rest of time
The rest of time has been a rollercoaster
You’re a challenging old soul
I wouldn’t change a hair on your head my darling
I just want you to survive through the cold
The cold that has often enveloped you
Though your radiant warmth pulls you through
My pain is that I can’t do it for you
Still I shadow your every move
I love your kindness
That you notice intolerance.
That fairness matters to you
That you are true
I love your courage
In the face of your difference
Though I see your pain in solitude.
I wish it could be easier for you
18 summers since I first met you
18 years of showing you my way
The stage is yours now my angel
Lead me forward to your next day.

Me Me ME

Does it matter that I pretended not to see?
Though I saw
Haven’t the strength to save the world every day
What about me?
But my gracious right eye wandered
I saw
Have to focus on my own woes
Keep my bogey man at bay`
Does it matter that he saw me look away?