A Silent Jolt

“Your loyalty was only ever determined by opportunity..”

‘This is really not nice‘, you say….with no hint of irony.

After so many years:

  • hiding your crippling self loathing behind false masks of charm, vivaciousness, achievement and talent;
  • manipulating everyone you meet to feed you with constant admiration, attention and preferably adulation, though you’ll seek and take a negative reaction rather than make no mark at all;
  • lying pathologically without conscience and often in grandiose fashion, to suit whatever it is you wish to do or make someone believe or feel about you, even when it would actually suit you better to tell the truth or the ’truth’ lies so manifestly elsewhere;
  • believing your own lies and feeling no remorse or guilt about them, their impact on people you supposedly ‘care’ about and how ridiculous you look simply ignoring or denying the truth when you’re outed;
  • belying no startle reaction when confronted with your lies. There’s no anxiety, fear or shame where there otherwise should be;
  • deflecting your lies onto other people or situations. Someone else is always responsible for your misleading actions. Or your invented/exaggerated illness, operation, accident…..…. caused you to ‘lose focus’;
  • surrounding yourself with ‘enablers’, family members, friends and colleagues who you’ve groomed to support your questionable behaviour, again through lies and manipulation, so that you can rely on them mopping up after you, defending your pity plays and even chastising whomsoever attempts to unmask you;
  • using anyone, including your own children, to assist you in justifying any misleading situation, which you see as not that big of a deal really;
  • feeling entitled to constant attention, affection, adulation and sex from those you have invested time in grooming, charming (and devaluing), though you ignore their feelings, needs, desires and achievements;
  • devaluing other people’s achievements when their successes drive your insecurity complex insane;
  • claiming that you’re easily bored to justify living by an entirely different moral code than the rest of the boring population: You think that degrading lesser mortals with smug sarcasm, thinly veiled as ‘only joking’, triangulating friends and partners into paranoid competition for your attention, provoking rage for your personal amusement through ‘fake’ controversial opinions, expressed for the sole purpose of bringing your chosen opponent down a peg or 3 ….you think these things make you some kind of charming and eccentric maverick…. No…… they make you a self-serving, manipulative arsehole.

After all these years, wearing your multiple masks in carefully distinct territories, maintaining your brain-washed enablers’ worship of your obvious lies and manipulations, allowing your ever-increasing need for attention (of any kind) to consume you, I guess it doesn’t feel ‘very nice’ to be ignored by your chosen ‘chief’ provider of narcissistic supply. Not that you can or will ever question your accountability in my having reached the end of the line. Despite slowly chipping away at my every effort to love and support you, by rewarding every truth I spoke (during hundreds of hours of intense conversation) with another lie. You will simply bad mouth me, play the victim and move onto the next empath who crosses your path. You cannot be alone, without supply.

Your loyalty was only ever determined by opportunity, like a 6 year old who forgets they had a play date when another friend crosses his path with a bag of treats. Whats the beef if you lie and cheat when your head gets turned by a random opportunity? You were only going for a treat after all. No big deal. You don’t want to grow up and be accountable. You just want your way.

I’ll tell you whats really ‘not nice’ honey. Discovering that final betrayal: another reckless and unnecessary lie. You choosing the high risk option, when the truth was banal and uncontroversial. You deciding to risk causing me substantial hurt (again), by fabricating yet another elaborate story, this time around your own child, simply to ‘justify’ being out rather than free to make a phone call and all of which was later compounded by a virtuoso performance of ‘how wonderful if feels to be able to be so straightforward with you my love’ …… The truth, that night, would have looked as simple and unequivocal as this : “I’m invited to ‘x’ birthday party tonight, so can we talk late, or would you prefer tomorrow?” Yup, definitely worth jeopardising my already limited trust in you for that….

My rage at you carelessly pushing me beyond where even I can find a half convincing excuse for your actions, fell silent in the absence of words to describe my pain or the will to fight. You are not worth fighting for. I’ve made so many excuses for your bad behaviour, accepted your obvious lies and given you ‘another chance’ time after time. I’ve sold myself short to a demented chameleon.

via Daily Prompt: Jolt